A Sad Announcement

It pains me to say this, because I've been close to this guy over the years, but I regret to inform readers of this blog that I, Absinthe, can no longer put up with Absinthe's shit anymore and therefore will not be contributing to this blog anymore. He's such a fucking tool. Every time I look in the mirror, there he is, grinning at me. What you grinning at, smart guy? The other day I punched him but me must have punched me back because all of a sudden my hand was bloody. Who punches somebody in the hand, anyway? Then he was holding this bottle of shit and I was like, ooo, painkiller, maybe this guy isn't so bad. Nope. Hydrogen fucking peroxide. So there I am, foamy knuckles, looking at Absinthe, and I realized, dammit, it's over. Fucking asshole. It's like I don't know him anymore. It's like he turned into Otis or something. I hear Blood is hiring, maybe he's not such an asshole. Can't be any worse than that fucking Absinthe guy.

Imperfecta

I had my first experience with the ponies on Sunday last. A friend of ours' brother works at Santa Anita and scored us passes to the Turf Club, which I learned probably has the strictest dress code in LA short of the Academy Awards. Or, you know, that mansion to which a bunch of other bloggers were invited. At least I didn't have to wear a tie. I followed the advice of a certain Genius Who Shall Not Be Named and made a careful study of the racing form, which was simultaneously the best and most expensive $4.50 I'll ever spend. In the first race I found what looked like a good bet; the #1 horse didn't have a great record but really seemed to run well along the rail, while the second-favorite had short odds and didn't seem to do well from the outside. So I put in an exacta bet for the favorite to win and the #1 horse to come in second. Turned out I was dead right and the second-favorite was never a factor. I pocketed my winning ticket while everyone praised my betting acumen. Unfortunately that was the last bet of any significance I won. However, one of our novice friends bet (and won) two consecutive superfectas, for a cool $2200 profit. So that worked out okay. My poker experiences lately have been lean and bloody, like... a skirt steak? Like a bad skirt steak, I guess. A brief inability to win when I'm 4.5 to 1 has kept me from moneying in any of the FTP guarantees. I'm presently playing the first cash games I've played in ages. Results have been mixed due to a string of bad beats and, I'm ashamed to admit, opponents who've outplayed me. I know I've given up the best hand a few times today, and nobody's returned the favor. So the time has come to be a donkey.

Not Quite Dead Yet

...but feeling like I'd rather be. Went to SXSW, which was a blast as always, hung out with some bloggers, etc. I'll give y'all a shout-out once I'm feeling up to an actual post. I think I caught the plague from our friend Lyle. Right now I'm at the stage where it hurts to talk, which means that soon icebergs of phlegm will begin detaching themselves from my sinuses and being expelled in dramatic fashion, hopefully during meals.

None Of My Exes Live In Texas

...but that's where I'm going anyway, off to SXSW. Expect even less from this space until the 20th or so. I know I've been quiet lately. No new revelations, a couple of high finishes in FTP tourneys, a final-table implosion at the WWdN. Still haven't jumped back into cash games, mostly due to my feeling that the FTP tourneys give a better return for the amount of time I'm willing to put in at the moment. I'll probably change my mind when I bomb out of the next forty or so, but until then, banzai!

Memed

This bastard got me a meme for my birthday. Just what I wanted! My life in Los Angeles has been a little less... diverse... than my pre-LA existence. This is the longest I've lived in one place since I was in grade school. So the meme is hereby virused in minor ways. Four Jobs I've Had In My Life in LA: Reality Producer (Investigating A Space-Age New-Age Cult That Wasn't Scientology) Reality Producer (In A Maximum-Security State Pen) Reality Producer (On Porn Sets) Ex-Reality Producer, Freelance Writer And Poker Novice Four Movies About LA I Could Watch Over And Over: Chinatown LA Story The Long Goodbye The Big Lebowski Four Places I've Lived All Over L.A. (With Food Memories From Each): Hollywood's the only place I've lived. Four local food memories: Chilaquiles at the counter of Loteria Grill Steak frites at Cafe Des Artistes My first In'N'Out Burger (double-double, ketchup & mustard instead, raw onion) The dandy vanilla lattes at groundwork Four LA-Themed Shows I Love(d) To Watch: In the interests of not agonizing over this on my goddamn birthday, and considering my serious TV fixation, this is hereby limited to shows currently on the air or ones that just got cancelled. The Shield Six Feet Under The OC Arrested Development Four Places I Would Vacation At In LA: ... ...every day in LA is a vacation. That's why it's hell. Four LA-Based Websites I Visit Daily: BoingBoing CitySearch Crooks And Liars The Obituarium Four Of My Favorite Foods Found In LA: Zankou Chicken Orochon Ramen's Hyper Orochon ramen with cha-shu and green onions The frutti di mare risotto at Vivoli Cafe Burritos from Sharky's Four Places In LA I Would Rather Be Right Now: The ArcLight The Farmer's Market at 3rd and Fairfax Hanging upside down and moving backwards at 50MPH somewhere in Six Flags Magic Mountain Dropping a wad of cash at Meltdown Comics Tagged: Phil Chris JoeSpeaker, who could use something else to think about Change100

Mojo No Go

Since the end of the LAPC I've played online tournaments. Not a lot of 'em - poker and I have been taking a little time apart - but enough to convince me that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Whatever mojo I had, it left me. I couldn't get action when I had a hand unless I was beat, couldn't bluff to save my life, couldn't push someone off a weaker hand in time to stop them sucking out on me. Earlier tonight I lost one huge pot (and effectively any shot at cashing) when I was better than a 96% favorite on the flop. Which is the sort of thing that makes one a little gunshy. Thankfully, all this has made me realize that nobody else has any idea what they're doing either. The "better" you get at playing lower buyin online tournaments, the more you come to understand that the first half is an very densely packed minefield; all you can hope for is to get cards that'll let you get your money in at 3 to 1 or better. (Maybe less true of "deep stack" tourneys, but I haven't had time for those.) The price of this revelation, until tonight, was a big fat zero. That'd be return on investment of exactly nil. Nada. Half a dozen token SNGs on Full Tilt? Zero tokens. $50K worth of Guaranteed tournaments? I had a guaranteed nothing. I was about ready to declare myself incapable of playing online tournaments. Then I landed 4th in tonight's night-owl $8K Guaranteed, which explains exactly why I'm up so goddamn late. Pretty confident I could have brought home the gold but for a seemingly inexplicable play (opponent's, not mine) when we were five-handed. I was dominant before the flop (when the majority of the money went in) and had eleven outs twice on the flop for a no-brainer call, so I can't even lay it at the feet of the bad beat bugbear. I managed to get the remainder of my money in drawing substantially slimmer a couple orbits later. Like it says on the tombstones of three-eighths of the world's deceased poker players: I had two live cards.