Today I Am Tired Film Reviewer Guy

Everyone's a critic. Having been a professional (i.e. having been paid for it), I can say that it's not completely dissimilar to prostitution, except in this case you (the film, book, play, TV show, video game or installation piece in question) aren't usually the one doing the hiring, but instead someone else has hired a prostitute to come to your house and do whatever the hell they feel like with or to you, which often turns out to be slapping you in the face and vomiting on your shoes. Crafty, spendthrift movie studios have adopted the 'junket' as a method of bribing the prostitute to be a little kinder, but as I'm well below most publicists' radar, doing occasional freelance gigs essentially as a way to bolster confidence in my own writing, I don't get invited on a whole lot of junkets. (I also make sure nothing ever appears under my byline - can't go pissing in the Cheerios of someone you hope might one day write you a six-figure check.) Anyway. Every once in a while - like, the months of January to March, with brief flurries at the end of summer and just before and after Halloween - the studios release a film which they hope gets almost no attention from the ravenous flock of prostitutes. There are no press screenings (though they will be happy to set up an interview with the parties responsible for the creation of this gosh-darn masterpiece of cinematic literature, for sure). So every media outlet that wants to review the aforementioned masterpiece has to send a reviewer out into the cold world, usually to the first available screening. If you've ever wondered who the hell would go to a pre-noon, opening day showing of Freddy Got Fingered, well, there's your answer: critics. This means that the only films the critics actually pay to see are the ones they're most likely to hate, which doesn't exactly incline the writer to pen a favorable review. In a fit of madness a few months back I listed a film opening this weekend as one that, while I wouldn't exactly be excited to review it, I'd be willing. I like to do that every now and then, show that I'm a team player, even though 75% of what I review is of little interest even to your average critic. But I lost this particular game of Russian roulette, and now the bill has come due. I've got to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the cinema in approximately nine hours. I have insomnia. Cat intestine problems have, in a roundabout way, forced me to sleep on the couch, which is exactly .5 inches too short for a person of my height. Damn my mother's insistence on milk for healthy bones and teeth. I'm sorry, filmmakers. It's just cause and effect. Of course, if you understood that you wouldn't have made the lousy film I'm going to be hating nine hours from now. But since this once I'm paying you to hate it, I guess we're both going to get what we deserve.


Blogger StudioGlyphic said...

I googled you and found a bunch of your old stuff from MN.

So what's this awful movie you had to go watch?

1/06/2006 08:30:00 AM  
Blogger Absinthe said...

Ah, but googling won't help you find my pseudonyms.

And I can't say. You wouldn't have to guess too many times to get it right.

1/06/2006 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger StudioGlyphic said...

Snakes on a Plane?

1/06/2006 06:44:00 PM  
Blogger Absinthe said...

Well, it would probably help if you limited your guesses to films opening this weekend rather than nine months from now.

1/07/2006 05:38:00 PM  

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