12.01.2005

A Field Guide For Bloggers: My Contribution

'Tis the season for posts on how to pick individual bloggers out of a horde of drunken miscreants. I see that we're mostly taking advantage of the Imperial Palace's insanely low rates, so at least we'll all be in it together. Probably one good simultaneous barrage of toilet-flushings and we could take the whole building down. I'm sure that many of you are curious as to my appearance and are eager to put a name to a face. Therefore I'm using this space to give you some handy tips which, if used properly, will help you to pick me out of a lineup with a minimum of effort: - I am fourteen feet tall and weigh six pounds. I can be blown over by a stiff wind or the wake of a passing butterfly and hence wear clothes made entirely of lead. - I eat only Foods that begin with the letter F and drink only Drinks that begin with the letter D. Fritos, foie gras and Drambuie is my idea of a good time. The only herbs I like are fennel and fenugreek. French fries are doubleplusgood. - My hair is the color of the smoke billowing from the cheeriest forest fire you ever did see. My eyes are the steely grey of razor blades. Also they emit laser beams which, when properly directed, will render a bag of microwave popcorn suitable for consumption. Bag and all. - I do not wear hats, but people often mistakenly assume that I am wearing a hat. I am happy to correct their perceptions. - Dolphins are scary. This tip isn't actually about me, just a fact that I feel the liberal media doesn't disseminate to the best of their ability. - I use the best, I use the rest, I use the enemy, I use anarchy, 'cause I wanna be anarchy. (The only way to be.) - My DVD collection consists of three Dora The Explorer videos and the seminal 1984 film Hardbodies. Many years from now my children could be going to school with your children. - I live in a menagerie; thus, the adroit smeller will detect about me odors of peacock-spray, tiger urine, and bullshit.

3 Comments:

Blogger Joe Speaker said...

That was hilarious. If there were a word more hilarious than hilarious, I'd have used it.

12/01/2005 02:52:00 PM  
Blogger Bill Rini said...

Screw the liberal media. How am I supposed to protect my family if I they don't tell me about the dolphins? I'm just glad Colbert turned me on to the danger of bears before it was too late.

12/01/2005 04:09:00 PM  
Blogger facty said...

Dang. fhwrdh and I had a prop bet on who could get you to take off your hat first. I was planning to offer to buy you a drink if you would doff your chapeau, while fh was planning to get a ladder and sneak up behind you and climb the ladder and knock it off.

but if its not a hat I guess we'll have to double or nothing on which blogger gets attacked by bloodthirsty dolphins.

I'm thinking Rini. No wait. Geek for sure.

12/01/2005 04:53:00 PM  

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