An Open (and Slightly Creepy) Letter To Variance

Dear Variance: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way about me. Can't we just be friends? Maybe I've been giving you the wrong impression. In the words of the dearly departed Robert Palmer, I didn't mean to turn you on. But when I said I didn't have feelings for your friend Good Fortune, well, I was just trying to let you down easy. The truth is, I love Good Fortune and don't want anything to come between us. I know you're always going to be dropping by - you're part of the family - but, well, you know what they say about fish and visitors. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. It's okay, I should be walking fine in a few days. A week tops. I'm sure there won't be any visible scarring. I don't think the neighbors heard anything. I won't tell anyone what happened. Really, I like wearing dark glasses! Just do me a favor and get out of town for a little while, okay? Yes, I know you love me, and I know you'll never do it again. I just need some space. You understand that, right? You just take a long walk, clear your head. Maybe when you come back we can talk some more. Maybe we can be friends with privileges. Anything's possible, right? With Love, Bankroll


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