2.08.2005

Why I Hate My Job, Such As It Is

"Who's ready to party on the big boat besides me?" -- Sandra Bullock, Speed 2: Cruise Control Sometimes I'm ashamed of my profession. Seriously. You're making a big-budget sequel to an out-of-the blue hit, and the best you can come up with is to set the thing on a friggin' boat? A cruise ship? With a top SPEED of maybe 30, 35MPH? Here's a little exercise. Take a minute and see if you can come up with ten things faster than a cruise ship. I'll make my own list and we can compare notes. -- light -- the '84 maroonish Plymouth Voyager that was my conveyance throughout puberty and a surprising amount of college -- any cat, large or small, that gets a hair up its ass to be somewhere else -- the average pro tennis player's SECOND service -- almost any police pursuit worth mentioning, O.J. excepted -- the last day of school before summer vacation -- the smaller participants in dwarf-tossing competitions -- greyhounds -- Greyhounds -- almost anything rolling down a large enough hill ...any of which is an EMINENTLY more suitable subject for a sequel to a movie called Speed. Which reminds me, I need to register the idea for that parody script about the invisible elf jockeys that ride the greyhounds. (Dogbiscuit. Coming 2008, baby!) Kudos to the Film Geek, whose inspiring quest for a berth on the Party Poker Million got me thinking about the 121 minutes of my life that Jan De Bont still owes me. Or maybe a little less. I probably didn't stay to watch the credits.

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